


a lifetime of trouble (but how could i not love you?)

by empty_venom



Series: santa, baby [13]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: (Accidental), Angst, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 16:38:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13080924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empty_venom/pseuds/empty_venom
Summary: Isak can tell something’s wrong the moment he wakes up.





	a lifetime of trouble (but how could i not love you?)

**Author's Note:**

> helllllloooooooooooo :00000 
> 
> so.....I had a well needed break and im feeling....ready for life lmao nice 
> 
> this is my excuse for the break, its a bit sad and a bit angsty, and based on my own experiences being in both isak and even's places, so please dont tell me its unrealistic or anything, because even though it might be for you, its definitely not for me. that's my only request lmao 
> 
>  
> 
> so yeah, this is days 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and 19. sorry for the delay, and sorry for how short this is.
> 
>  
> 
> (title from How Could I Not? by Tom Rosenthal)

**///**

 

 

 

 

**TIRSDAG – 7:18**

 

 

 

Isak can tell something’s wrong the moment he wakes up.

 

Even isn’t lying next to him, arm around his waists. He can’t feel Even’s breathing against the back of his neck, his solid chest against his spine, cold toes pressed into his calves. He can’t feel Even’s eyelashes fluttering against his skin with every flicker of his shut eyes, he can’t feel Even’s heartbeat.

 

But it doesn’t scare him. Not anymore.

 

He slowly rolls over and sees the back of Even’s head, his hair splayed out across the pillow, the blue pillow, duvet tucked up around his neck. Isak swallows, licks his lips and reaches out.

 

“Baby…” He whispers, rubbing his hand across the duvet covering Even’s shoulder. He props himself up on one elbow, brushing the hair off Even’s cheek so he can see his boyfriend’s face. Even’s eyes are open and blank as he stares straight ahead at the wall, lips slightly parted.

 

“I’m gonna go and get something to eat, do you want anything?” Isak asks softly, knowing the answer but asking anyway. Just in case.

 

As predicted, Even shakes his head the tiniest bit, eyes not moving from their place and Isak presses a kiss to the older boy’s cheek.

 

“Love you.” He says offhandedly, and gets out of bed, being careful not to disturb Even too much.

 

Isak returns a few minutes later with a cup of water, and grabs Even’s pillbox from the dresser, gazing a little forlornly at the advent calendar.

 

Obviously, he knows it isn’t Even’s fault that he gets depressed episodes, he knows that, but he still can’t help but feel a pang of sadness that it won’t be completed.

 

“Meds time, Ev.” He says softly, perching on the bed next to his Even.

 

Even doesn’t move.

 

“It’s okay, Even. You can take your meds, nothing bad will happen.” Isak makes his voice as quiet and steady as possible, even though he feels like crying, his throat burning. It never gets easier seeing Even like this.

 

He waits, quiet and still, until Even finally exhales and turns over ever so slowly, keeping his eyes off Isak until he’s on his back. Isak feels his insides clench when they make eye contact; the emptiness in Even’s eyes boring into him and making his heart physically hurt.

 

Isak holds out the water, hands shaking slightly, and Even stares at it.

 

“Come on, take your meds.” He whispers hoarsely, grinding his back teeth nervously. The first day is always the worst, he reminds himself. It’s getting better from this. He might be like this for a while, but it’s always going to get better.

 

Even just keeps staring at him blankly, and Isak sighs. He puts the cup of water on the dresser, pops a pill out of the blister pack and places it on the pillow next to Even’s head.

 

“I’m going to shower, I’ll be back in ten, okay?” Isak strokes his hand over Even’s cheek. “Okay.”

 

When he gets back, the pill is gone and Even’s facing the wall again.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

 

**ONSDAG - 17:48**

 

 

 

 

Isak forgets how hard it is sometimes. He couldn’t change it for the world, don’t get him wrong. He loves his boyfriend more than he’s loved anyone before. But it doesn’t stop how difficult it is to see Even lying in bed like he’s been lobotomised.

 

He hates how this chemical imbalance in Even’s brain means he can’t get out of bed some days. He hates how it makes him feel useless, and worthless, and makes him want to do things that Isak can’t even think about.

 

And there’s no moment of Even’s depressive episodes he hates more than when Even’s crying silent tears, just sliding across the bridge of his nose and soaking into the pillow beneath him.

 

He feels so fucking helpless. There’s nothing he can do, nothing he can say, that will make Even feel better. All he can do is hug him and let Even feel his warmth, and his heartbeat, and his breathing, and wait for this horrible moment to pass.

 

Sometimes, it feels like they’re stuck in it forever. Like they’ll never get out, like it’ll never change from this moment here.

 

And this is when Isak feels the most helpless. He knows Even’s yelling, screaming at himself in his head, Even’s told him when he’s well, he’s shouting to let Isak leave, to let Isak get out of there while he still can, to stop tying him down when he could be flying so high without his bipolar boyfriend.

 

It hurts Isak so much to think that Even thinks that he is, in any way, hindering Isak’s ability to thrive.

 

Even made him real.

 

Even made him able to be who he is.

 

He doesn’t know who he’d be without Even.

 

 

“I’m not leaving you.” Isak whispers into the back of Even’s neck, tightening his arm where it’s around Even’s waist, palm of his hand pressed over Even’s heart. He feels it murmur slightly. “I know you think I should go. I know you don’t want me to be here when I could be somewhere else. But I want to be here. You’re not making me do anything I don’t want to do. I love you. I am so in love with you, and I’m not going to leave you, Even.”

 

Isak feels as Even lays his own hand over Isak’s, curling his fingers into the gaps between Isak’s own, and squeezes gently. Isak feels his heart lurch, and he rubs his nose against Even’s shoulder blade.

 

“You could do so much better than me.” Even’s voice is low and grumbly from disuse, monotonous and tired.

 

“I don’t want better, Even. I want you.” Isak says fiercely. “Stop arguing with me.”

 

Even huffs out a poor attempt at a laugh, but it makes Isak’s heart soar – Even responding in any way is a positive when he’s stuck like this.

 

“You’re the love of my fucking life, baby.” Isak says, as he feels Even shuffle further back into his embrace. “And I’m not giving up on that.”

 

///

 

 

Isak manages to get Even to eat a small bowl of cereal and a bar of chocolate, occasionally combing Even’s greasy hair out of his face with his fingers. Even’s eating in slow, mechanical movements, chewing and swallowing without tasting, but Isak’s just glad he has enough energy to move the spoon from the bowl to his mouth.

 

“Shower tonight?” Isak asks lightly as he collects up the dirty dishes, struggling to hold all the plates, bowls and cups littered around their bed area. When he doesn’t hear a vocal response to his question, he turns to look at Even. He frowns as he sees Even lying down again, staring up at the ceiling.

 

“Maybe not tonight.” Isak says, keeping his eyes on Even for a moment longer before he turns and takes the dishes into the kitchen.

 

 

///

 

 

 

 

**TORSDAG - 16:02**

 

 

   
It’s a dark day, and Even’s scratched the skin on his ankles until it’s bleeding.

It started with a slight itch, where he had a small graze on his heel. So he’d scratched it. But once he’d started he couldn’t stop. And he wasn’t watching, so he didn’t see the layers of skin start to peel under his nails. It’s not even like he’s overthinking anything, his mind is just blank, his eyes are unfocused. His fingertips are suddenly wet, and his eyes are suddenly wet, and his throat is burning and his hands are shaking and _he can’t stop scratching_.

 

Isak arrives home to find him wiping violently at his tears with red stained finger tips, blood under his nails and dotted on the sheets.

 

Without saying anything, he toes off his shoes, throws his bag, jacket and hat on the table and is on Even in a second. He gathers him up in his arms, Even grabs Isak’s hands and presses the heels of his palms against his eyes.

 

“It hurts.” Even sobs. “Everything fucking hurts, Isak, I can’t do it.”

 

Isak shushes him, furiously blinking back tears and swallowing the lump in his throat as he lies with Even.

 

“You’ll be alright.” He says, not sure what else to say honestly. He’s reassuring himself as much as he’s reassuring Even at this point. “It’ll pass. It always does. I’m here.”

 

They lie together until Even stops crying, his breathing evens out, and Isak can open his eyes without the sight of Even being physically painful.

 

“So, that sucked.” Even’s voice is muffled against Isak’s neck, and Isak lets out a wet laugh.

 

“Yeah.” He sighs. “It did.”

 

 

 

 

 

  
**FREDAG**

 

 

 

It’s another dark day, and Isak wakes up at four in the morning to Even burying his face into his back, arms closing tight around his waist, and Isak can feel the neck of his shirt getting wet. He stays up until six, trying to get Even back to sleep, but he knows his efforts are futile – Even struggles with sleep at the best of times.

 

 

They manage to doze off somewhere around seven, Isak already deciding that he’s skipping school to look after Even.

 

 

No, not look after.

 

Be there for.

 

 

Even’s a grown man, he doesn’t need _looking after._ He needs someone to care for him sometimes, someone to tell him it’s okay to not be strong all the time. Isak realises how much of a strain their relationship can be on Even’s mental health.

 

 

Even’s in charge, in control so much of the time, and Isak wonders how he does it. How he’s able to keep his Dominant head on, how he’s able to constantly be there for Isak, looking after him in all the ways Isak needs.

 

 

But sometimes, Even needs Isak to be there for him instead.

 

 

By evening, Even's able to sit up.

 

Isak takes every step as progress.  

 

 

 

///

 

  
 

  
**LØRDAG - 23:07**

 

 

 

It’s 11 at night and Even’s standing under the shower spray, letting Isak’s fingers rake through his soapy waves as he washes away the shampoo suds.

 

 

“That’s better, nice ‘n’ clean.” Isak presses a wet kiss to Even’s neck, ignoring the way the shampoo gets in his mouth a bit.

 

 

 

Even had eaten more that day, he’d managed to get out of bed for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, get himself a glass of water and fetch some cold leftovers from the fridge while Isak was at school, and he’d texted Isak a couple of times, which was enough for Isak.

 

 

When Isak got home and Even was dressed in Isak’s grey hoodie, the one with the raised collar, with the duvet wrapped around his waist, scrolling lazily through his phone, Isak could have cried. They’d sat in each other’s company for a while, and Isak put the TV on quietly in the background, and he just held Even’s hand, making sure he didn’t float away from him again. It’s the days after the initial swan dive into depression that seem to drag, seem to go on forever and ever, seconds ticking by like hours, which makes living minute by minute exceedingly tricky for the both of them.

 

 

Isak had eventually picked himself up off the bed and fixed them dinner (“dinner” being instant noodles, Isak wanted something quick and easy and he’s not a natural born chef, alright). After Even had eaten half his bowl and put it to the side, Isak suggested a shower again.

 

 

He knows how much Even hates being unclean, makes him feel disgusting and dirty, and not in a good way.

 

 

And he knows how safe he feels, how protected and calm and loved he feels, when Even’s big hands are carding through his hair, surrounding him with his warmth. He wants to return the favour, he wants Even to feel how he feels during their aftercare sessions.

 

 

 

“Mmh.” Even hums, eyes closing as he leans back into Isak’s touch. “S’nice.”

 

 

“It is, isn’t it?” Isak says, more for conversation than anything. “I like doing it. Maybe you’ll let me do it more often?”

 

 

“Don’t push it.” The tone of Even’s voice surprises them both, startling a laugh out of Isak, and he tugs Even’s hair gently.

 

 

“Don’t be rude.” He pouts, scratching his fingernails over Even’s scalp as he scrubs the rest of the shampoo out, making sure to keep the conversation normal and flowing. Making Even feel like talking is a Big Thing always makes him pull back, he just wants things to get back to normal.

 

 

Even sticks his tongue out and hands Isak the bottle of conditioner.

 

 

“Ooh, he wants nice soft hair, does he? Special prince.” Isak coos exaggeratedly, working the conditioner into Even’s wet hair.

 

 

Even’s soft smile is worth how silly Isak feels.

 

 

 

 

Isak towel dries Even’s hair quickly, then sits him on the edge of the bed and blasts him with the hairdryer, ruffling his hair into his eyes. When they’re both dressed and dry, he fixes them some tea (Even taught him how a while ago, when Even’s mother finally took pity on them and bought them a kettle).

 

 

They sit in bed, duvet pulled up around their hips, and Isak puts on a movie, some strange indie foreign film that Even had suggested a while back, and the soothing French combined with the warm tea sets them into a calm lull.

 

 

“Sorry.” Even says, voice breaking the silence and Isak looks up from where he’s staring down into his mug.

 

 

“What for?” He asks, frowning slightly. Even shrugs weightily.

 

 

“Ruining your calendar.” He says, a little forlornly. Isak snorts, shaking his head, fluffy curls flipping everywhere.

 

 

“Shush. It is not, in any way, your fault.” He carefully enunciates each word, making sure to drill them into Even. “I could not care less about the calendar. I care about making you feel okay.”

 

 

Even stays quiet for a while, and Isak thinks that’s the end of the conversation, until Even reaches over and gently takes hold of his hand, fingers warm from where they’ve been curled around his mug of tea.

 

 

“I don’t deserve you.” Even whispers, and Isak squeezes his fingers.

 

 

“You deserve happiness.” Isak says simply, and Even looks at him with wide, unblinking eyes.

 

 

“You make me happy.” He replies, and it sounds as though he feels guilty. Isak’s heart hurts.

 

 

“Then you deserve me.”

 

 

Isak tries not to let himself think about what Even would have picked to do to him today, had he been in the right state of mind. 

 

Isak tries not to let himself think about it, and fails, and falls asleep thinking about it. 

 

 

 

**///**

 

 

 

   
**SONDAG - 10:46-16:27**

 

“Yeah, Even’s not feeling too great so I reckon we’ll just stay in today… No, he’s fine… Well, he’ll be fine. Yeah… Yeah, don’t worry about it… No, it’s okay, have a nice time… Actually, yeah, that’d be nice. Okay, ok- okay. I’ll see you in a bit. Later, bro.”

 

It’s not Even’s fault he woke up as Isak’s phone started ringing. And it’s not his fault that even Isak’s hushed voice is audible in the kitchen from their bed.

 

“W’sat Jonas?” He asks when Isak reappears around the corner.

 

“Yeah,” Isak nods, climbing back into bed next to Even and shuffling down to face him. “The boys are going out today and were asking if we wanted to go.”

 

Even hums half-heartedly. Isak just looks at him.

 

“I said no.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.”

 

///

 

After he’s given Even his medication, Isak brings over Even’s laptop and notebooks.

 

“Study date?” He asks hopefully. Even curls in on himself a bit more, before stretching his legs out, toes poking out from under the duvet.

 

He groans as he reaches his arms above his head, arching his back off the mattress.

 

“Yeah. Should do something.” Even says, and Isak feels a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Same, I’m so behind in Physics.” He laughs, and Even’s brow furrows.

 

“Not because of you, nerd. Because I suck at Physics and Sana refuses to help me unless I say please, and I’m not that desperate yet.” He throws a notebook at Even’s head, and Even raises a hand to bat it away.

 

“You’re such a brat.” Even scowls, and Isak winks.

 

“I’ll be at the table when you decide it’s time to study. Just in case you can’t see me from the bed.” Isak jokes, and Even rolls his eyes.

 

“Shut up. I’m getting up now.”

 

They study for a few hours, occasionally breaking to eat, or for a quick cuddle when Even’s feeling a bit overwhelmed, or to play footsie, but by mid-afternoon, when the last rays of cold sunlight are casting shadows across the entire apartment, Even’s feeling more like himself.

 

“Well done for studying so much today.” Isak says as he wraps Even up in a hug.

 

“You too. I’ve never seen you so focused.” Even strokes up and down Isak’s back, feeling the soft material of his jumper against his hands tethers him down to this moment, making him feel real and alive, instead of absent. Numb.

 

“What do you want for dinner?” Even asks after a while, pulling back slightly so they’re face to face.

 

“I don’t mind.” Isak replies, a little shocked. “I was just going to order takeout again.”

 

“I’ll make us something?” Even suggests, and is almost blinded by the grin Isak gives him in return.

 

“Yay, I’ve missed your cooking.” He cuddles back into Even’s chest, humming happily.

 

“Oh, I see. That’s all you want me for.” Even laughs, and Isak steps away, an offended look on his face.

“Of course that’s all I want you for. Your cooking is amazing. It would be a crime against my taste buds if I broke up with you.” Isak proclaims dramatically, making Even giggle harder, and Isak breaks into laughter as well.

 

Isak’s heart fuzzes, a warm, safe feeling spreading through his chest. Even’s coming back.

 

“Okay, okay, I’ll go make you food, your highness.” Even ducks his head in a quick bow, and Isak puffs his chest out proudly.

 

“Damn straight.” He smirks.

 

“I think you mean… Damn gay.” Even waggles his eyebrows ridiculously and Isak shoves him.

 

“Go and make me food.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

  
**MANDAG - 16:38**

 

 

Isak goes to school today. He gets up, and Even’s up before him, and he showers, and he eats breakfast that Even’s made him, and he goes to his lessons.

 

And he spends the entire day thinking about Even.

 

So it feels like it’s back to normal.

 

And when he gets back, Even’s pottering around in the kitchen, reorganising their shelves, and Isak’s happy. Isak’s so so happy that Even’s managed to get himself out of this shit again.

 

 

///

 

 

 

**TIRSDAG - 7:18**

 

 

 

Isak wakes to Even standing beside their bed, sweatpants low on his hips as he bends slightly over the dresser.

 

“W’you doing?” Isak mumbles as he stretches out his body, yawning lazily.

 

“I suck.” Even states, and Isak wipes the sleep from his eyes.

 

“What? No you don’t.” Isak replies.

 

“Yeah, I do. You made me this awesome calendar and I fucked it up.”

 

“That isn’t your fault, though? You can’t help when you have your episodes?” Isak says, baffled.

 

Even looks over at him, eyes soft and warm, and Isak smiles.

 

“It’s fine. We can keep it and use it through the year whenever you get bored of me.” He shrugs and Even practically growls as he leaps over on top of Isak.

 

Isak squeals and Even grabs his wrists, pinning him to the bed.

 

“Never going to happen, baby.”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say thank you so fucking much to everyone who's commented on or kudos'd this, to everyone who's messaged me to make sure I'm okay, to everyone who commented on my last post, I love and appreciate you all more than you could ever know, honestly. I doubt I'd be updating this again without knowing you're all here for me. 
> 
> OK IM DONE BEING GAY ur all fucking awesome
> 
>  
> 
> as always, my Tumblr is [here](http://isyakivaltersen.tumblr.com), come say hi!!!!!  
> tbh also my Twitter is [here](https://twitter.com/empty_venom), im more active on it now eyyyy


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